After Ruairi it took me quite a long time to even talk about having more children.   Even though everything ended so well it was such a tough recovery and such a scary time that I wasn’t sure how to navigate it.  We both always wanted a big family but with the complications I had it wasn’t an easy decision.  I decided to get some help and had some online counselling sessions with a brilliant therapist who specialised in traumatic births.  She guided me through my fears, feelings and the decision I was finally able to make.  I have so often told friends to seek help and not to keep things in.  It was so amazing to talk about myself for a whole hour to someone who listened and provoked me to think outside of my worries.  I would highly recommend everyone to speak to a counsellor.  She helped me in so many ways not just with the decision of expanding our family!

We had been trying for about 5 months in September when I realised I was a day late.  I had all my usual time of the month symptoms so assumed it would arrive that day.  I bought a test and it came up positive immediately.  I was alone and experienced a cocktail of emotions, delight and fear.  I knew Aids was having a tough day in work so texted him a picture of the test and he rang me delighted.  How lucky he is that his first thought is happiness and not fear.

I straight away booked in with my GP and most importantly my consultant in the Rotunda.  The days leading up to my early scan were slow but I felt lucky that I wasn’t nauseous yet.  We told both families early and I let some people in work know too.  I was told I was ‘brave’ more than once.  I didn’t feel brave and I knew I wouldn’t be able to feel happy or excited until that early scan showed us a healthy heartbeat.

Aidan came with me for that first scan and although we heard a heartbeat I got no relief.  The baby was measuring 4 days smaller than my 7 weeks and my doctor wanted to see me back one week later to check the growth.  My gut instantly thought something was wrong whereas Aidan left the appointment on cloud 9.  I again thought I can’t feel happy until the next scan.  I really really tried to be positive but it just wouldn’t come.

The following week at an 8 week scan the growth was better and more on track.  Finally some good news!  My doctor adjusted my dates and said she would see me again the following week for NIPT, a non-invasive prenatal test.  That week and a half was the only happy days I had in this pregnancy.  I was gaining weight, hiding a bump and had on and off nausea.  Sadly those happy days were short lived.

The day before the 9 week scan I had a bleed.  We went into the emergency department.  I was convinced this was it I was miscarrying again.  The ER doctor was lovely, she scanned me and showed me the heartbeat and I was sent home.  I was emotionally exhausted.  I wish I had some relief but I still had a lingering sense of something not being right.  I went to the 9 week scan alone.  My doctor had two trainee doctors with her observing.  She scanned me quietly and took a phone call outside the room.  The students asked what my dates were.  When my doctor Jen came back she brought me to a private room, the same room that we were sent to when I miscarried.  She told me the baby was measuring small again and she was concerned.  She organised the NIPT blood test with the loveliest nurse.  I was to come back again at 10 weeks to check growth again.  I was very upset but in no way surprised.  That week in work was tough.  My poor class got a raw deal and did many jigsaws and played many board games.

At 10 week we were taken in to be scanned, Aidan was with me.  I felt anxious but he was hopeful.  His positive attitude is probably his best quality and so needed to balance out my worry.  I could see the baby’s arm move up and down and felt a flutter of hope.  That was very short-lived.  Jen took a long time to scan me and then she told us what she could see that concerned her.  She told us she could see some issues.  The baby had a hernia/swelling in the abdomen and swelling on its head as well as a flat shaped appearance.  She said these things were all pointing to a genetic disorder, possibly a Trisomy 13 or 18 or something called Turner Syndrome.  She explained that 13 & 18 are conditions that are ‘not compatible with life’, in other words a fatal foetal abnormality.  My heart sank deeper than I thought possible right down into my tummy.  She said she couldn’t be sure without the NIPT results would confirm it but to be sure she wanted to do an amniocentesis.  We agreed and she got the lovely nurse in again to assist.  She was afraid the NIPT would not be conclusive or possibly would even not make it on time.  There is a time limit on termination of pregnancy without a fatal foetal abnormality diagnosis.  You can only terminate before 12 weeks without this and she worried that we would not have many options without what she was quite sure she could see on the scan. 

The Amnio was an extremely uncomfortable experience.  It is a large needle through your stomach into the uterus to gain cells from the fluid surrounding the foetus.   I can’t really remember if it was that painful or if I was just hurting so much emotionally.  She couldn’t quite get the cells she needed so had to go in a second time.  My face mask was soaked with my silent tears and Aidan was squeezing my hand the whole way through.  I will never forget the kindness shown to me throughout a really hard day by doctor, nurse and Aidan.

It caused cramps and I felt so low.  Jen brought us back to the bad news room where she explained what would happen next.  She gave us some time and we hugged and cried.  They brought us tea and biscuits which helped with the shock.  I knew then that this baby probably wasn’t for this world.  Jen was extremely honest and we really appreciated it even though it was difficult to hear.   The biggest heartache was knowing that the baby was at that moment living inside me but we would never meet.  It was just so sad. 

We had to wait a week for results.  I’m sorry to say I stopped praying for the NIPT results to be good and started hoping for a miscarriage.  That goes against everything I thought I would feel in this situation.   Jen had told us they scan was showing enough damage that she was certain there would be a trisomy 13 or 18 so if the results did not confirm it then we would continue the pregnancy knowing the baby probably wouldn’t survive the birth or be severely disabled and not live very long.  We made the decision to continue with the pregnancy unless T13 or T18 were confirmed.

I wanted more than anything for the results to bring clarity.

I couldn’t go into work.  My growing bump was so upsetting and I couldn’t handle people speculating that I had good news so I stayed home and attempted to keep busy. 

Friday was an appointment with Jen and a foetal specialist, who was actually the doctor that assisted with Ruairí’s birth.  We went in holding hands and minding each other.  The waiting room was packed but as soon as I said my name the receptionist left the busy desk and brought us to the ‘bad news room’ so that we didn’t have to wait surrounded by healthy pregnancies.  In one way it was very thoughtful that they were minding us and keeping us from the other expectant mothers but I also knew it was a confirmation of worst case scenario. 

Jen sat us down and told us the NIPT was inconclusive but that the Amnio test she performed came back as expected showing our baby had a trisomy 13 also known as Patau Syndrome.  We listened quietly until she asked if we wanted to know the gender of our baby.  I immediately said yes with no regard for Aidan’s choices.  I just needed to know something real about our baby.  I needed to know who I was praying for.  When she told us it was a boy the tears streamed and didn’t stop.  It made our little baby so real and so ours.  I pictured another Ruairi and what our family had almost become.  Aidan was also so upset and held it together so well.  She asked if she could scan me again as with the extensive damage she thought the baby may already have passed which would have spared us making the termination decision.

She brought her colleague and as she scanned me she kindly looked at us saying ‘yes this poor little baby never stood a chance did he’.  They were kind words considering the decision we had to make to terminate.  That word will never sit right with me.  I cried again and decided not to look at the scan.  Jen led us back to the bad news room and our lovely nurse made us another cup of tea and told us to stay as long as we needed.  Jen came back with some hormone stopping medication to take on Saturday evening before she would perform the procedure first thing Monday morning.  With my history of placenta issues she said a surgical abortion was the only option.  I was very relieved by this as I only had to get through the weekend before I could at least physically draw a line under this heart breaking situation.

I would be the first procedure done on Monday morning, assuming there was no emergencies, so I needed to be in the Rotunda at 6.30 am. 

Taking the medication on Saturday evening was probably the hardest thing I have ever done.  To knowingly take tablets that would stop a life is something I can’t bare to think about and am still finding very hard to process and come to terms with.  Everyone empathetically says they would have made the same decision as we did.  It was such an awful decision and taking those tablets felt so wrong.  I took the tablet in bed and did not stop crying for a very long time.  I felt extreme guilt and shame for stopping our baby’s life and yet knew I could not carry a baby any longer that would not survive and would be in extreme pain and suffering if he did live for even a short while.  I felt I made the right decision for my kids, my family and for myself but this didn’t stop the horrendous feeling of guilt for what I was doing.

It was devastating for both of us but we have two fabulous kids with not a breeze of what was happening.  We decided to get up together Sunday morning and do our absolute best to enjoy our two miracle kids.  We played, went swimming, and went to watch Na Fianna junior footballers win their champo final.  We celebrated with Aidan’s brother and took photos of him with the kids.  We were faking being ok as nobody really knew what was going on other than close family.  We managed to hold it together and the match did take my mind off it even just for a short while.  I wasn’t feeling any side effects of the tablet so I decided to go to my brother’s senior football championship final in Parnell Park, a huge match for the club and my family.  I felt safe going with my mam, sister and sister in law.  We sidled our way into some pretty nice seats mid pitch and just as I was sitting down I felt the biggest surge of blood. 

I didn’t say a word to my family and went to the manky toilets in Parnell Park where the blood had come through my stupidly chosen light blue jeans.  Aidan was on his way to the game with the kids so I rang him and he parked up and waited for me.  I text my sister and waited for Aidan hoping other people couldn’t hear me crying.  I tied my coat around my waist and tried to keep my head down praying the bleeding would stop.  Thankfully I only bumped into one confused friend who I fobbed off with meeting someone and that’s why I was running away from the match.  I got in the car and our family went home.

I changed, showered, got into my comfiest clothes and we watched the match and Bluey simultaneously.  Thank god for ipads.  Going to the match was such a huge mistake as I was trying to be normal when I was going through anything but normal.  I knew that bleed meant the baby was gone, I had decided to make it gone.  While I don’t and can’t regret the decision, it still weights so heavily on me, like a huge boulder on my chest.  Its just utter heartache.  I was so sad for what I had lost, my husband’s grief and the loss of a sibling for my Cara and Ruairi.

However, somehow, it ended being a lovely evening spent with the most important people in the world.  The perspective Cara and Ruairi can give in a sad situation is amazing.  One of them farts and im cracking up laughing which I had thought I wouldn’t do for a long time.

They lost the match which was shit but I think my situation did give my brother some perspective after a hard defeat.

I for some strange reason decided to drive myself to the Rotunda that Monday morning despite EVERYONE in my family offering to get up early and bring me in.  I still don’t know what possessed me.  I think maybe I was trying to be strong on my own?  Whatever it was it was stupid.  The cramping had started the night before and I had barely slept.  But they were verging on unbearable as I drove into town.  I was so close to the hospital but wasn’t sure I would make it.  It was like period cramps times a hundred.  I went into the hospital, put on a gown and curled up into a ball on the bed shivering.   Aidan was told he wasn’t allowed into the hospital til 8, but I was called for the procedure at ten to 8 so I missed him.  Jen reassured me that the cramps were a good sign the medication had worked and it would make the procedure more straight forward.  She was just short of holding my hand going into theatre. 

Aidan was there when I woke and hugged me.  I felt quite well as the anaesthetic luckily has a nice effect on me!  We had a cuddle and a small cry but I felt some relief.  We were visited by the hospital’s chaplain who asked us some very difficult questions.  She asked if we would like to see our baby, what coffin we would like and where we would like our baby to go next.  These questions were so heart-breaking.  As our baby boy was 11 weeks and had a lot of damage I thought I would not be able to handle seeing him so we declined that and I have no regrets about this.  We decided on the tiniest white wicker basket coffin and that he would be cremated with his ashes going to the Angel Plot in Glasnevin Cemetery.  Lastly she gave us a certificate of his life and asked if we were going to name him.  She gave us some time and after a hard talk about it we decided to name him Aidan Og.  I needed a name to pray to.

We left after a few hours and just minded each other over the next few weeks.  We had one more appointment the following week to ensure the procedure had gotten all of the placenta to avoid infection.  We also had some questions for Jen which she answered and gave us so much time.  The lovely nurse came back in and gave us a sun catcher.  She said it creates rainbows in your home if you place it on a window when the sun is shining.  Every sunny morning I see the rainbows and think of our little Aidan Og.  The care the hospital has shown us again and again has been nothing short of amazing.  When I went back to my therapist a few weeks ago to go through this loss she asked how I felt about the Rotunda now.  I told her if I thought I would never be back there I would be devastated.  It is not a place of loss for me, it is a safe place where I am so minded and cared for by everyone.

We are now in a really good place.  We can focus on how lucky we are with our two funny, bold and brilliant kids.  It’s not something I think ill ever fully get over but I have certainly moved forward and made my peace with the difficult decision we made.  I also often reflect and thank the amazing people who made sure Repeal the 8^th happened.  At the time I was torn with how to vote.  I’m so glad I voted yes on advice from friends.  I did not have the amazing foresight and empathy that so many others were able to have and I am so grateful for that.  I never thought I would be in that position but I was the one in 10, 000 that have a baby with T13.  I am very sorry if my decision is difficult for others to understand or others disagree with.  But I feel very strongly that it is important to talk about these things no matter how difficult.  Please feel free to contact me if you ever find yourself in this hard situation.